This Dad's Epic Conversations with His 5-Year-Old Daughter Are Better Than Any Comedy Show (20 Pics)
This dad is into web comedy on Twitter, and he recently blew up the Internet by posting a hilarious conversation with his 5-year-old daughter, his wife, and other kids. Meet James Breakwell, AKA Exploding Unicorn, AKA the funniest guy you'll see all week!
1. Candy Place
3-year-old daughter: Will I have a baby in my belly someday?— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 5, 2016
Me: If you want to.
3: No thanks. That's where I put my candy.
2. Licking the Baby
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 10, 2015
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 19, 2015
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she's already pretty.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
4. Infinity Dollars
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 7, 2015
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
5. Saving a Life
[watching a guy on TV do CPR]— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 23, 2016
5-year-old daughter: Why is he kissing her?
Me: He's not. He's saving her life.
5: I'd rather die.
4-year-old: Why do you go to work?— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 28, 2015
Me: They pay me a salary.
4-year-old: I don’t even like celery.
7. Making the Baby
5 y.o.: Why do people congratulate you when Mom is the one making the baby?— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 5, 2015
Me: I helped
Me: I read her the instructions
8. When You Die
4-year-old: What happens when you die?— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 2, 2014
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
One percent of the scars on my body are from doing something manly.— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 18, 2016
The other 99 percent are from trying to trim my toddler's fingernails.
11. Reconsider Having Kids
To anyone out there thinking about having kids, today my 2 year old threw a temper tantrum because she couldn’t get rid of her shadow.— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 23, 2013
12. Vacuum Free
Toddler: *spills an entire bowl of popcorn and then eats it off the floor*— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 17, 2016
5-year-old: Stop it!
Me: Let her go. I don't want to vacuum.
13. Everything She Needs to Know
[3-year-old rides her bike]— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 17, 2016
Me: I taught her everything she needs to know
Me: I taught her half of what she needs to know.
14. No Friends
Me: Peer pressure is when your friends make you do bad things— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 13, 2016
6-year-old: Did it happen to you?
6: Because you don't have friends?
15. No Snacks
[making dinner]— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 13, 2016
Me: No snacks. They'll ruin your appetite.
6-year-old: They can't.
Me: Why not?
6: Your cooking did.
16. A Dollar
6-year-old: Can I have a dollar?— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 13, 2016
Me: No. I worked hard for that money.
Wife: You sent 65 tweets today.
Me: *gives kid the dollar*
17. Drunken Donuts
My 4-year-old calls Dunkin' Donuts "Drunken Donuts."— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 9, 2016
I was going to correct her.
Then I realized it was the best idea ever for a bakery.
18. Feeding the Ducks
4-year-old: *scatters bread crumbs all over the house*— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 9, 2016
Me: What are you doing?!
4: Feeding the ducks
Me: There are no ducks.
4: Not yet.
19. Love Is Pizza
4-year-old: Why do you make us eat green beans?— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 8, 2016
Me: Because I love you.
4: Love is pizza.
20. Guess Who
Questions my 4-year-old asked while playing the game Guess Who:— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 8, 2016
"Is your hair bad?"
"Are you ugly?"
"Are you a raccoon?"
She still won.